Anonymous
November/December 2024
Professor Higglesworth wasn't just a physics professor. He was a physics performance artist. His wardrobe screamed "mad scientist meets thrift store enthusiast," complete with socks that looked like they'd survived a color explosion and a lab coat that had seen more adventures than most travel documentaries. He made terrible science puns too.
His claim to fame? Spectacular demonstrations that typically ended in controlled chaos. Like the time he got permanently banned from the campus pool after attempting to prove buoyancy using a watermelon (long story short: the watermelon won, the pool lost).
But today's masterpiece was going to be different. Or so he thought.
At the "Physics and Free Snacks" conference, he'd acquired what he dramatically called “The Eternal Roller” - a ball so sleek and smooth it made professional billiard balls look rough. When he unveiled it in class, you could practically hear the collective eye-roll from his students.
"Behold!" he proclaimed, whipping off the cover like a magician revealing his ultimate trick. "A ball so frictionless, it could potentially roll through the laws of physics themselves!"
The students exchanged looks that screamed, "Here we go again."
One brave soul raised a hand. "So... it's just a ball?"
Higglesworth's smugness could have powered a small electrical grid. "Just a ball? JUST A BALL!"
With the dramatic flair of a Shakespeare-trained physicist, he placed the ball on the lab's polished floor and gave it a gentle nudge. The ball rolled. And rolled. And kept rolling.
What started as a neat demonstration quickly transformed into a campus-wide adventure of epic proportions.
The ball didn't just roll, it launched. It ricocheted off walls with the precision of a pinball machine gone rogue. The janitor dove out of the way, lab reports exploded into a confetti storm, and students scattered like startled chickens.
"Remain calm!" Higglesworth shouted, wielding his clipboard like a knight's shield. "This is a scientific demonstration!"
Nobody was buying it.
The ball's world tour continued. It terrorized the quad, sent a skateboarder flying into a bush, and provoked a flock of geese into a honking rebellion. A bewildered squirrel decided to chase it, presumably thinking it was the world's fastest, most confusing acorn.
The cafeteria became a war zone. Cupcakes flew. Soup splashed. A lunch lady performed an action movie dive behind the counter. "MY NACHOS!" became the battle cry of culinary destruction.
Its grand finale? A triumphant splash in the campus fountain, where Higglesworth retrieved it like a conquering hero, water dripping dramatically from his nose.
"Newton's First Law!" he declared. "An object in motion stays in motion!"
A student's deadpan response cut through his triumph: "Professor, the lab floor was just slightly tilted. You basically invented a science missile."
Higglesworth froze. Triumph deflated.
The class erupted in laughter. The squirrel, meanwhile, claimed the ball as its new kingdom.
Just another Tuesday in Professor Higglesworth's world of physics and pandemonium.
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